The Arrival of Tommy

                                                                                                            

                                                                                   

The Arrival of Tommy Hunt..... 

At 5am or thereabouts, on a cold morning last December, I woke up with a slight discomfort. My waters broke. I was amazed/terrified/exhilarated and bewildered. I called out to my husband from the toilet ‘Andy, it’s started!’. 

I was aware it could still be a very, very long time before we met our baby so reassured Andy we should just get back into bed and sleep.  

Within 30 minutes or so mild contractions had started, but I still wanted to stay in bed and was almost in denial about what was happening. I wanted our doula to know that things might be unfolding, so sent her a text and then carried on pretending it was a usual Monday morning. 

We decided to watch a film in bed. I then remembered that keeping things normal,meant I should still eat. So we went downstairs and had porridge and tea. All the while the contractions were getting a bit more distracting but I was determined to carry on ignoring them. Frozen Planet was the next show on TV, I’ll never be able to look at polar bears in the same way! Whilst they were padding about on the ice, I was on all fours in our living room feeling like one of them...

I’m not sure what happens to time when you’re on your journey to having a baby, but I certainly have no concept of it looking back now. I remember retreating to the bedroom and kneeling by the bed with my head under the duvet. I suddenly felt the need to be alone, focus and have a word with myself. The contractions were becoming stronger and I got quite emotional, I needed a big hug and reassurance from Andy, and then I needed to be alone.

My doula arrived. I was so pleased to see her. She and lovely big inhales of lavender oil got me through another couple of intensive hours. I remember wondering when it might be good to go to hospital, and then feeling that actually I wanted to be at the hospital, so around 2pm, we left. The journey was bizarre. Initially my contractions slowed, but then once under a big blanket in the back of the car, I concentrated on keeping going, I really didn’t want to lose the momentum that was building. I felt that as long as I let it, my body would know what to do. My long, slow breathing, helped me stay on top of the waves of pressure I was feeling. 

Arriving at the hospital scared me, the contractions were getting stronger and faster, which was good but I didn’t want to be distracted. I felt that as long as I focused I could handle it. We arrived and I was on the floor, on all fours. My eyes were closed, and I was concentrating deeply so I didn’t feel remotely self-conscious. Being right inside myself, felt a safe place to be and I just wanted to be able to carry on and let it happen. 

A midwife approached and started asking questions.  I gestured that my doula and Andy should speak for me - I couldn't afford the distraction. They both knew that I wanted a natural water birth and I did not want to know how far dilated I was, just whether I was truly ‘in labour’. The midwife was astounded, but I was adamant. I had planned this as I knew that if I was given a number of centimetres dilation, I would focus on this. Too much and I may have panicked that the baby was coming too soon - too few would mean disappointment. 

Fortunately, the midwife confirmed I was staying, but there was no birthpool available. My heart sank. I had only really prepared myself for a water birth. However things were ramping up and I had no time to feel too sorry for myself. My doula assured me we could use water for pain relief and went to run a shower. I began to feel I was losing a bit of control here, I’d managed to stay calm so far, counting my breaths and knowing exactly how many breaths each contraction lasted and knowing a break was coming.

We went into the bathroom only to discover no hot water. With  cold water on my back…I lost it. I'd been holding on to the idea of hot water and now I felt helpless. I remember asking my doula for pain relief of any kind and quickly. She calmly and reassuringly suggested I try gas and air before anything else. The midwife set this up and it gave me amazing relief and the confidence boost I had needed. 

However I was still nervous of where exactly I was going to give birth. I wanted to be in a pool, I’d only ever imagined being in a pool. The room we were in felt stark, I didn’t want to be on a bed and I couldn’t get comfortable. I don’t know how long we were in this room. I was so focused on breathing, counting, the ramping up and the calming down of each contraction time just went.

I think Andy had a stern word about the lack of hot water, a new midwife started and by some small miracle she found us a birthing pool. I was so delighted. I remember asking her how we would get there, she had a wheelchair for me and when we got to the room, I couldn't believe it - the room was perfect, just what I needed. Dimly-lit, lots of space and the sound of running water as the pool filled. 

The relief of the warm water was immense. I could move more freely and got back into the rhythm of the contractions. Things ramped up, I felt scared, but it was because things were changing and I felt the need to push. My doula was amazing, just her presence reassured me that things were going ok. I felt like pushing lasted an eternity and it was harder than I could ever have been prepared for, but at the same time I knew that my body could do this, I just had to keep going. 

The moment Tommy was born will stay with me forever, there he was ‘swimming’ in the water, I picked him up and couldn’t believe my eyes. He was perfect, beautiful and our precious son.  

What's to learn?

The most important thing to learn from Gemma's great birth, is how she had a grounded and realistic expectation of what real labour was. Even though at home, her contractions were coming every three minutes (while she was on hands and knees, watching polar bears in the rests inbetween), she knew it was unlikely to be labour, from the simple fact that she could tolerate the telly.  A woman in real established labour just wouldn't want or be able to engage in that way - the stimulation would be too much.

She knew, because she'd informed herself, that true labour was more of a state, and that though the contractions demanded some attention, they didn't demand all of her.

And then that changed...quite suddenly, after a trip to the loo. Now her bedroom felt a better place to be.  Peace and quiet, darkness, privacy.  These were the things that now helped her to cope and drop deeper. 

Now something more established was taking over - technically, (though as she rightly said it's far better not to get hooked up in rational numbers and measurements) she would have been 4cm or so, which meant her body had started the work of opening up. 

This can feel intense, an acceleration, as Gemma puts it....'a ramping up.'  Certainly it's tempting to rush into hospital at this point, and even feel a little afraid. But the best thing to do is as Gemma did, 'have a word with yourself.'  Remind yourself that change almost always signifies a GOOD thing, progress....and to trust that. What is happening is right, not wrong, and to find your feet with that. 

Take one contraction at a time, go with the flow, and labour proper gets a chance to take a hold. When this happens, a physiological momentum builds and it is far less likely that labour will slow and stall.

When women stay at home for an hour or two once contractions are very strong and regular, (see the tellmeagoodbirthstory page on helping labour to happen for more 'proof' of labour) they usually arrive in hospital full of sturdy confidence - they can feel for themselves that it is working. There's no panic, no need for rescue........she trusts her body to take her to the next stage.  

And a final word about the car journey...in case you are thinking you'd rather 'get in early' fearing the journey in will be uncomfortable, note this. The advantages of the quick and efficient labour that is likely to result from waiting at home that bit longer, FAR outweigh the discomfort of the car...especially if you are on hands and knees in the backseat, leaning into a sturdy pile of pillows (never use a baby's carseat as a reason not to do this....it's a priority and sitting in the front with a seat-belt on will wreck the best of coping rhythms) 

Rachel's baby girl

Rachel's baby girl Evie , her second child, was born a few weeks ago, at home. Here's how it happened.... 

I had very erratic contractions all through Sunday - some 5 mins apart, some 10 and this went on all through the night.  In the early hours, they were becoming more regular and more intense, but did not seem to progress much (particularly when compared to my first daughter’s birth). 

On Monday morning I was in no doubt that the baby was on it's way and we agreed that my husband Jules should take Anna (our 2 year old) to nursery and when he got home he would fill the pool. Once I was on my own, I started having more regular contractions - about 4/5 mins apart that were more intense, but manageable with breathing and bouncing on the birthing ball.  

I rang the midwife around 7.45 am,  she listened in to me having a contraction on the phone and said someone would be with us within the hour to see how things were going. 

By the time Jules got home at 8.40am the contractions were coming thick and fast and were very intense and painful. I was just about coping – leaning over the kitchen work top, a wet flannel pressed to my face, trying to control my breathing and by this stage making quite a few moaning sounds. I was now in no doubt that I was fully in labour!

We were just about to ring the midwife again, when she called. She spoke to Jules, heard me in the background and said a colleague would come right away. By now  I was getting urges to push - Jules was just about to ring 999, when a midwife arrived.  She rushed to get some gloves from her car - and just ten minutes later, Evie was born.

Although it was quick, I did not feel the slightest bit scared (even when the midwife hadn’t turned up) and I'm sure that's because I felt safe and secure. The midwife said how amazing the hormone oxytocin was for getting going, once a woman feels safe and that those precious to her are safe too. And that just felt so true, as the moment I knew my little girl was at nursery, the contractions really went up a gear.

It wasn't what I had planned. I never even got the birthpool filled. But it was nevertheless amazing - I was in my environment, I was in control, I delivered without any pain relief, upright leaning over the dining room table, with Jules telling me how wonderful I was. 

And then of course, there was after...the bliss of being at home - having a shower in my shower, pottering around my house, having a lovely cup of tea and a laugh with the midwives, whilst Evie fed.

I can safely say that the whole experience has really empowered me - I did it by myself and my body knew what to do. I also felt totally relaxed afterwards, as I have ever since - very different to how I felt after staying in hospital last time. 

After the birth of my first daughter, I stayed overnight in hospital, even though the birth was simple. I found this really difficult, being alone, trying to master breastfeeding...Jules had to leave at 10pm and I remember feeling very anxious all through the night - a feeling that  continued for some time when we got home. This time, I have felt totally different .

The icing on the cake to the whole experience was Anna coming home and showering Evie with kisses and showing her all her toys! It was lovely that they met in our home – that evening was very special – the four of us together – as it should be. 

A clever person once said, if you want to know how to do something, copy someone who has done it already. With that in mind, the good birth stories on the tellmeagoodbirthstory blog are for drawing lessons from.  

Positive birth outcomes have just a handful of key factors.... yes all births look different from a distance, but examine them closely and a pattern emerges. There are always, ALWAYS the same things in place. It is true that a small minority of births will always be slow or complicated, no matter what is provided, but that still leaves an immense 80 per cent chance of labour unfolding without difficulty, if we pay attention to what our bodies need. 

In this respect, Rachel's story has lots to teach....she had privacy, she had safety, she had familiarity.....the blessed trinity as far as birth goes. Her plan was to let things start and stay at home if everything was progressing....so she was following her body, not some fixed-in-stone homebirth plan. 

As it was, she did feel things accelerate and in turn trusted that....and then her home setting really yielded benefits. There were no variables, no disruptions, nothing for her labour to snag on. 

The only concern was her daughter, and once she was safe....she could completely let go, her body kicked brilliantly into gear....

And of course finally, the icing on the cake as she calls it, was the joy and reassurance of having her family around her afterwards. 

It's strange that so much focus these days is having our partners with us through the birth, and yet when the baby comes, it's considered normal for him to leave. If you had your baby during the day, and are staying overnight, your partner will almost always be asked to go, and this can be stressful. It's such a very special night, that first night, and yet so often women find themselves feeling alone and at sea. Another good reason for having a baby at home!

Starting off

Off we go....

Since tellmeagoodbirthstory.com started out in the Spring, we have been collecting positive birth stories from all around the country....from Ipswich to Illminster, Manchester to Maidstone.....hundreds of them....

The stories of course vary, but in one way they are all the same. They contain the kind of honest, straightforward joy to make our breath catch...stories full of self-amazement, immense awe, hope... the stuff that lifts us all out of the dailiness of our lives to somewhere higher and very wonderful. That most extraordinary of ordinary events. A baby being born. 

These stories, the energy behind them - together they're like the most precious of metal - a resource - and we need to mine it and make it useful.  They need hearing....if we stand any chance of reversing the epidemic of birth anxiety, they need spreading...

Tellmeagoodbirthstory is already connecting pregnant women feeling anxious or even scared about birth with women who can share with them their positive experience - so we are well underway on the one-to-one front. 

But here in this blog, I intend to spread the good some more...here is where in some detail, women will tell their stories first hand....along with a little side analysis from me as doula detective.

My aim is, as always, to prove that a good birth doesn't come down to good luck.  I will keep saying it, keep showing it, keep shouting it, until maybe, finally, something will start to shift, and women en masse will once again realise that a simple birth comes down to a few simple things.

So look in next week....and hear how Rachel had her little girl...............

Natalie xx